reflecting reflecting and more reflecting

I can’t believe I’ve been here almost a whole month. Reflecting on my experience so far, I feel that perhaps it’s a bit lacking. By that I mean that I haven’t really added as many interesting experiences or stories to my repertoire as I had a month into my time in Hawai’i or Costa Rica. That’s okay though, and you know why? I came here with two basic expectations: isolation, and the opportunity to do a lot of reflecting, which I certainly have done.

The isolation factor has been, undoubtedly, a challenge, but isn’t that what an adventure is about? A time to challenge yourself, to see what you’re made of, to test your physical and mental adaptability to a new environment, and to integrate new perspectives into your life? I suppose, if I look at it this way, it has been a pretty intense adventure. I’ve had to adapt to being alone with my thoughts, A LOT, and that alone is quite the challenge. For one, it makes me very aware of them, a bit uncomfortably so. In regular life, it seems rare to actually see a thought through to its end. Usually you get interrupted by some regular life incident/stimulus, like the phone ringing or someone calling your attention, and you happily put the thought to the side. Sort of like, hmm, that was a nice healthy bit of thinking, glad I did that, ok, on with my day. Here though, there isn’t much to distract me from my thoughts, so I’m pretty much stuck with them, forced to confront them and thus confront myself.

For example, this project I’m about to start, the YouTube coffee channel…well, I could easily have started it already. I’m actually quite anxious to start it. I think about it constantly. I make up excuses to myself for why I haven’t, but because I have so much damn free thinking time, I am forced to find the truth within myself. Then I realize that it’s fear, which then leads me to realize that it’s the fear that it won’t be perfect, which then leads me to realize that my perfectionism could very well have a crippling effect on my life. Ahhh, see? This is what too much thinking leads to: very real answers.

Not only do I end up seeing my thoughts through, but I also have become quite astute at noticing my thought patterns. The more aware I am, the more I notice that I think the same things over and over and over, day after day. I was somewhat aware that the human mind works in this way, but now that I can catch it, I can rebel! How dare I waste my mind on the same old thoughts?! It’s no easy task to break out of the habit, but when I do, my soul stirs with excitement about where my mind can take me. And now it ventures into some pretty interesting unexplored territory.

So though it can sometimes be tough and taxing on the mind, I have to say I’m getting a lot out of this situation, learning a lot about myself, and developing a new skill for navigating this life. God knows, I’ll take any skill I can get my hands on. If I can last like this for a couple months, I’m pretty sure I’d turn out a stronger person. So I suggest to anyone to spend, even for a little while, some time isolated from the world. You might go on an adventure…with yourself:)

Tis the Season

Fall is here! Fall is here!!
I didn’t think I was going to notice it, but I do, and it’s amazing. I thought it might be disguised by the heat and the tropics, but it’s as evident and lovely as ever.

And so I realize that a season is so much more than a change in the weather. For me, it’s a particular feeling of comfort and excitement programmed into my soul, only to be released in the month of September. It’s 15 years of waiting for my favorite time of year: the start of the school year! Woo hoo!!! I could pretend that I was sad summer was over, so as to fit in, but the truth was that I couldn’t stand the wait. Especially August. I liked to say that it was my favorite month because of my birthday, but that was a lie too. It dragged on by torturously slow, hot and boring and empty. At least that’s how it seemed at the time. (Wow, it feels surprisingly good to admit this)

Then you get your school supplies and your class schedule and life suddenly seems so full and exciting. Suddenly I am in my element. I feel, once again, a purpose. I have been anticipating this moment so intensely that when it comes I am practically bursting. My competitive spirit reaches its peak. I’m ready to learn and to kick some ass! Bring it on education!

And so it begins: the homework, the books, the notes, the tests, the football games, the tennis practice, the dances, or, in the later years, the frat parties, the new classmates and the exciting new crushes :) Oh, school! Glorious glorious school! I loved school more than I ever even knew. It wasn’t until it all ended 8 years ago that I realized how deep it ran in my veins.

Though the giddiness has subsided, it remains, through some biorhythmic magic, a part of my life. Even here in a remote coffee farm in the jungle, I feel that same sense of comfort and excitement. I’m in competitive over achiever mode, as I start this new project (details to follow), and it feels great!

September couldn’t have come at a better time :)

The new girl arrived yesterday. Se llama Tracy. So I thought this would be a good time to bring you, dear reader:) , up to speed on the crew here.

First of all, there are my lovely hosts, Israel and Sandra. See pic below. If I base my criteria for judging hosts on how comfortable I feel in their home, then they are, quite simply, perfect. Israel is from Cuba and one of 13 children! And Sandra is a gringa from Oklahoma. They met in the Peace Corps in Bolivia, lived in Jersey for a while and then moved here 14 years ago to live out his dream of having a coffee farm. He’s super passionate about coffee, pretty silly, and doesn’t take life or himself too seriously. So we get along brilliantly. He’s also quite tenacious in his struggle with the government to get coffee pickers from outside the island (I’ll go into more detail about that later, bit of a complicated situation), so it’s not uncommon to hear him ranting about his cause to any willing ear.



Sandra is also quite the talker. Between the two of them, you get very little silence. I’m not a very big talker (probably on the quieter side of the vocal spectrum ), so it’s a lot to handle. However, if it’s in Spanish, it just means more practice, so I’m all for it. They do bicker quite a bit, but it seems like nothing compared to my parents (sorry mom&dad, just telling it like it is). Regardless, Sandra is great. And very smart. She seems to have an acute awareness of what’s going on around her and a sensitivity to how other people are feeling that is so rare and wonderful. She also makes a wicked potato salad :) Unfortunately, she twisted her ankle about a month ago and hasn’t been very mobile since. She has mostly been sliding around in her office chair for the last 2 weeks, but recently has started to walk, though it’s more of a hobble :-/ Hope she recovers soon.

Let’s see…then there is Bert, Israel’s brother (the youngest of the 13), who is quite possibly my favorite person. I’m not sure what it is, but the way he speaks (in English) makes everything seem funny. I don’t think he even means to be funny most of the time, but I laugh at just about everything that comes out of his mouth. He must think I’m weird, laughing at him when he’s being perfectly serious. He spent his career in the fur industry and apparently is quite the master furrier. Below is a pic of Bert and Ilidia. I awkwardly call her his wife, though I’m not so sure that’s accurate cause apparently he hasn’t divorced from his first wife. I get the impression, from all the drama I am told, that marriages have a low success rate here.

They live about 2 miles down the road. I just found out though that they are actually here temporarily, which I’m pretty bummed about. I thought they lived here and were just going to Arizona this month on vacation, but apparently they live in Arizona and came here to possibly live in his house. But it turns out she doesn’t like it here all that much :( They got here just a couple days before I did and are leaving on the 29th. They asked me, jokingly I suppose, if I wanted to buy the house..I’m still hoping they will just give it to me :) I will miss them both. She laughs about stupid things with me, which is nice. And she is one of the few people that I’m forced to converse with in Spanish. I find it rather surprising that she gets by in Arizona without speaking English (I imagine that this will annoy you mom), but to each their own I guess.



Then there’s my new friend Ventura, who I met last Friday at a coffee event where he immediately started flirting with me and then helped me serve coffee (see pic). So glad to have met him! And not just cause he has a car. That would be so high school :) Or because he’s a chef…ok fine, I admit it, these are both factors, but he is actually nice and interesting and we have a lot in common, including our age. Come to think of it, he may be the only 29 year old friend I have! He showed me around town Saturday night and cooked me a pretty sweet meal. That was a pretty solid first night out.



Tracy, the other volunteer, arrived yesterday. She was already here on the island with her cousin in San Juan and had been looking for a teaching job. Apparently to no avail, so she looked for a volunteer opp instead and ended up here. She is 32, I think, and from Rhode Island! (I’ve never met anyone from Rhode Island and, honestly, I couldn’t tell you a single thing about it except for its capital.) So far so good. Sandra described her as shy, but I definitely don’t see that. She is friendly and nice and smiley and agreeable. Ooh, and she likes playing games, which is a huge huge plus. We played a couple silly games today, during which I had some really cheesy ‘I’m sure glad she’s here’ moments.
Ha. If only she spoke Spanish...

Well, that’s the main crew. There are a number of other characters, who I may at some point mention. One of the workers here is starting to give me the creeps…and so I ask god, why? Have I not had my share of old man farm pervs?! Dejame sola por favor!

En conjunto, todo va bien aqui en La Isla del Encanto.

Where am I?

I’m in a funk today. I hate funks, especially when I can’t explain them. Maybe I’m just adjusting. Or still detoxing from the fiestas of last weekend. I haven’t been sleeping too well here. There’s always some bug to kill or frog to escort out of my room before bed, which puts a damper on the whole unwinding thing.

And I feel a bit homesick. Not sure what I call home really, which makes me even more homesick. Ughh. This is a depressing blog.

I’m not sure where I am. I don’t feel like I’m in a foreign country yet I certainly don’t feel like I’m in the US. Most people don’t speak English here, and I’m struggling with my Spanish. There’s a conversation going on right outside the door and I can’t even understand it (something about roasting a pig, I think). I’m having the realization that my Spanish just isn’t what I want it to be. Even when it was the best it ever was, I could never quite follow Spanish television or really be sure what people were saying about me when I walked down the street in Costa Rica. To make matters worse, Puerto Rican Spanish is quite different than anything I’ve heard. They drop their s’s all the time and merge words. Buenos dias becomes buen dia (easy enough example), voy por alla becomes voy palla...this will definitely take some getting used to.

I feel lost. And a bit dazed. I miss my mom.

I did discover something pretty wonderful today though. It’s called a sapote and it’s the latest and greatest in my world of tropical fruits. It sort of looks like an elongated coconut, brown and hairy, and on the inside is a big black pit, that I’m oddly afraid of, and the most unique and stunning pinkish-orange flesh. The texture resembles a squash and the flavor is balanced and mildly sweet. It’s creamy and comforting and brilliant. I feel that same joy I felt when I tried my first cherimoya, like life just got a little bit better. What can I say, fruit just makes me happy :)

I'm back

I hope for good this time. I really have no good excuse for not writing in so long. Sure, my laptop died, but I fixed it back in June and haven’t written since. I’m definitely a bit disappointed with myself. I think the main thing that has kept me from writing is the whole audience factor. I have had some personal issues that really have no place here. If I could write anonymously, perhaps this blog could have helped me deal with it all. The things weighing most heavily on my mind, the things I wanted to write about, I just couldn’t post on the internet. Well, enough about that. I’m free of those distractions now and want to start writing again :) And I think I’m in a good place to do it.

Right now I’m in a private little studio in an isolated hacienda surrounded by a tropical rainforest in Puerto Rico. If I can’t manage to get any writing done here, then surely this blog was not meant to be.

I will write more soon. Gotta head up to the house now. I broke a mug and a bowl and I need to come clean about it :-/