A film critique

This was a tough week. Too much confrontation with myself. It all came to blows when I tried to film my first video for this coffee project. I wanted to make a brief intro, explaining a bit (maybe a minute’s worth) of who I am and what the project is. Well, that was overly ambitious. There was no way to cram all that into one minute, and it ended up being about two and a half. I found it excessive, for one. Just too much of me talking. And it doesn’t matter what I’m saying or how I look, it’s just not interesting to listen to someone talk that long. That’s the conclusion I came to.

Secondly, I had to watch myself on playback. Awkward. Painful. Embarrassing. Those are just a few of the emotions I experienced that dreadful Tuesday. I guess I hadn’t really thought much at all about how I appeared to the outside world. I guess I assumed it was all good, cause I felt good about myself and knew that the things I said and did to other people came from a good place. Well, unfortunately, there was nothing warm and fuzzy about the way I felt when I watched it. It was like I was looking at a stranger. She sounded kind of ditzy, a bit like a valley girl. Oh my god, I thought, people must think I’m stupid! What an odd realization, to think for the first time in my life that I probably have had to convince people, over time, that I’m intelligent. I was under the impression that was the most apparent thing about me. HA! Then there are the facial expressions, which people have warned me of, but I had never actually seen for myself. Yikes! I’m just giving a straightforward speech about coffee…how many faces are really necessary?!!

So I saw myself as an overly expressive borderline airhead. Great.

That sort of put a damper on the project. I thought a lot about it. Can I use this footage, I wondered. Will it repel people? Will anyone (other than of course my friends and family) really give a $%*? These were just some of the horrible negative thoughts running through my head. My lovely roommate Tracy, who filmed it, was like no, no, it’s good. God bless her. I was dumbfounded by the whole experience. I was talking to the other new gal, Andrea (who by the way is great) about it later on in the week. I was telling her that after the whole watching myself trauma, I was wondering, ‘is it acceptable?’ I was questioning whether or not I can accept that person on the video, me! She’s like, yeah, it kind of has to be. Ha! What a brilliant moment! Of course, it HAS to be! Ahhhh, I felt relieved. I didn’t have to fix anything. I just had to accept it. And I did. So I sound like a California girl. Well, I am, and I’m proud of it :)

I’m sure that you, my small audience of friends and family, will read this and protest. I can already predict my mom saying ‘how dare you call yourself an airhead?!’ Well, I write this not to seek comfort or praise. I know I’m not stupid. To be perfectly honest, my intelligence is something I’ve never questioned. It is amazing, though, that I can see a projection of myself that is so misaligned with my own personal truth. Though I’ve made peace with the video and accepted this projection as merely a vantage point, it sure got me thinking.

See, I’ve long held this theory that you can never really know another person, and this story illustrates why. If how you feel inside isn’t being accurately reflected to the outside world, then how can anyone really understand you? Over time, a really long time, it’s possible, I suppose, to come close. Think about the person you know the best in the world. How do you really know what’s in their heart? A heart, a soul, a spirit, even a mind…these things live and breathe in their own cozy cocoons. They’re not readily available for examination, but rather expose themselves gently, in their own time, at their own pace. You can catch many glimpses at somebody’s essence, through telling looks or a colorful bursts of laughter, but you can never see enough to really get the whole truth.

That’s just how I see it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Even without getting someone one hundred percent, you can still reach a heightened level of intimacy and reap its beautiful benefits.

Maybe that’s a bit of a tangent, but it’s definitely a theory I stand proudly behind. You might not totally know me, nor me you, but what would the world be like without a little mystery?